"I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world."

Swear upon my life that this excerpt from Lemony Snicket's 'The Beatrice Letters' still remains my all-time favourite ever since I came across it like two years back on Tumblr (or something), though I have yet to get my hands on that book :( *HINT HINT, WILL LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK, HINT HINT*

Hahaha alright, I kid.

Anyw, before I begin wearing my heart upon my sleeve (in the form of words, just for tonight), do pardon my English. I'm really tired so forgive me if my sentences happen to be weirdly constructed or anything else to do with my grammar seems out of place. Or if my tenses/spelling/vocabulary/BLAH seem(s) screwed up.

I guess tonight's just one of those nights I really miss being in love, miss having someone sayang-ing me, having someone who's always there for me to listen to my whining and all.

(But if you terase, don't bother, you will never be associated with my feelings of missing being in love and all my other nice, warm, fuzzy feelings. Especially not YOU because I hate you to hell and back. Probably even more, but whatevz. I never ever want our paths to cross ever again. Ever. Not in this lifetime, or the next, or the next or the next or the next or for the rest of eternity. Those nine months were the worst nine months of my life so fuck you with a capital 'F U C K Y O U' and good riddance.)

To be honest, this has been on my mind for quite some time, but I just decided to let it out tonight (no) thanks to a really random late night supper sesh with Ian K and Serene just now hahaha. It's so nice having someone there for you and all, don't you think? To have someone constantly showering you with care and concern, to have someone who cares for you the same way- ok fuck that, I can't think of a good example right now. But yeah I hope you/you guys/whoever is reading get(s) my point? But because rn I'm pretty much set on staying single, I'm actually afraid I'd let a decent-enough guy (assuming there is) pass me by. Then again, I'd usually push this thought away with "if he really likes me that much, he'd wait till I'm ready to get attached again." But then again then again, I don't think anyone would even wait hahaha. So yeah. I mean like I can simply tell that decent-enough guy something like "oh hey maybe if you'd wait 5-6 more months, I'd date you." However, thing is, I'm not even sure how long more I'd take to be 'ready' again - hence my constant pushing away of guys and telling them straight up (whoever has confessed, at least) "I'm not interested," simply because I can't offer any assurance at all. And who doesn't like to be assured, right? I think false hope is the worst thing anyone could offer another, though some of my friends tell me I'm being too mean/straightforward. It's just a personal 'rule' of mine, I suppose, to never give anyone false hope. So yeah.

However, despite my missing of being constantly cared for by someone, apart from me not being 'ready' for another relationship as of now, I am aware that another reason why I'm not interested in getting attached is because I am only in love with the idea of having a boyfriend. I am in love with the idea of having someone there constantly yada yada and all that I've mentioned above, but honestly speaking and 说难听一点, I know that I won't and am not interested in committing to anybody right now. I'd really rather just spend my time doing the things I love (sports, watching football, hanging out with my friends and more). (And omfg I just typed in chinese hahaha fuck so not me but whatevz.) I mean like of course when I'm ready, I'd commit fully to the relationship, but right now, I guess I'm better off single because it's much more easier that way though I always have mixed feelings about it. (Talk about girls and our fickle-mindedness hahaha.)

I'm really sorry if this is really disorganized, or just me being too honest. But as I've already mentioned above, I'm being completely open to sharing my personal thoughts and feelings tonight so yeah if you actually read that whole chunk, that's just me, thinking out loud.

Good(morning)night.